Can’t Stand Myself, Doubtful of it All
I feel robbed of a childhood I’ve never had
The past controls the future
And I don’t want to be a slave, bounded in shackles,
to either
It’s as if I was shoved violently onto train tracks
The rats lurking in the cracks recognize that
I’m not a rotten carcass… just yet
They see the crossroads, the fork in the road that I’m tied down.
On this occasion, it’s not more noble to travel the path least taken
That implies that I have a choice to begin with
The train conductor has to stay on schedule
Deadlines must be met
The train comes in hot and furious, barreling down with no mercy
Inching closer and closer
I ponder this heavily as the epiphanies pour in
One after the other
I’m not stuck in the middle
My application to Heaven was denied
Hell has a long waitlist as well
Plus I’m not mean enough, I haven’t sinned enough
For the Devil’s liking
If parallel universes and alternate realities are true
They better start revealing themselves.
I’m a old soul without a nursing home that’ll tend to me
Doesn’t matter if the nurses are abusive or the food is
like plastic cardboard
At least I can embrace some kind of warmth
At least Ill have somewhere to be
I ponder heavily
If the train conductor had to choose between saving me or running over 10 random people
I wouldn’t blame him for putting me to rest, pulling me off the court, sending me on my way for good
Wit the cost of everything skyrocketing, exploding
With the cost of living crisis getting out of hand
Costing people a lot, everything in some cases
Funeral costs would surely be expensive
At least he has a decision to make
Priorities to handle
A meaningful burden to bear
He has the privilege of having a job to go to
While I’m quiet quitting in disgrace
With my voice muffled
To wake up in the morning,
assured that his day is set
Some of us,
way more unfortunate wake up
and realize that the ceiling is only a couple of inches
away from my face
The light isn’t blinding anymore
I see my fate as clearly as an owl observes all souls
Lost or not, all passerbys in the dead of night
Juan, the contractor is shouting at me
Naming his price to repair the ceiling
I don’t speak Spanish, I only know broken tongues
I don’t have a native tongue at all
I’ve never had a work ethic
I’ve never worked to preserve anything of value at all
That’s why I don’t want to go back
I’ll end up right back here
With a pocket full of summons and unscratched lottery tickets.
There’s dignity to be had in mopping floors, wiping down windows, cleaning other people’s messes
There’s honor to be had in busting your ass of, compensating and
making up for the poor performance of coworkers
Somebody had to give the slackers a break
Somebody has to take out the trash
Don’t believe the fall guy doesn’t receive a paycheck
There’s honor to be had in all of this
It reminds you that you’re human
Subjected to bullshit like everyone else
If my father were to drop dead on the job
His company would pay for the casket, some flowers and the whole arrangement
His job wouldn’t be filled for a couple of months…
At least they say
I’m tied down on train tracks with nowhere to go
Nowhere to escape my mind
At least my father had a pension
A token of gratitude
I had a sliver of hope that melted under the burden
of the sun
Something you can’t eat
Something you can’t cash in
Pull the lever. Accelerate!
Run me over, train conductor
Splat!
I bid you to and everyone else that’s not watching a dear
Farewell
I’m a deer that’s got trainwrecked by the headlights
I’ll concede this round to the rats
Sneaky, clever bastards!
I can learn something from them
They’re the best at what they do
The masters of their niche
It pays them handsomely well
While I can’t even muster up $2.75
